Recently, I was having a conversation with Dorothy when she used the words "lazy" and "slob." She was NOT talking about me. She was not actually talking about anyone, she just had these words and they came out in reference to something. No harm, no foul. But the words got stuck in my head. Why? Because I use those words a lot to describe myself. They are part of My Words. Sad truth. I interrupted her.
Blondie: It really sucks that there aren't any "good" words for people like me.
Dorothy: What do you mean?
Blondie: Well, "Type A" has a good connotation. It means you are clean, perfect, detailed, etc. But people like me are referred to as slobs, lazy, careless, gross, etc.
Dorothy: That isn't true. Type A can mean anal, obsessive, compulsive. It can be negative, too.
Blondie: I don't know any "good" words for myself. I just come up with loser, slob, and lazy. Like my pile of clothes in my bedroom. You would see that as slobbish.
Dorothy: Or that you have better things to do than obsess about it. You're carefree.
I needed to hear her say this. I spend a lot of time thinking Dorothy judges me. She doesn't. It's totally me. I also think that my parents judge me when they don't... And all of my friends... Basically, I spend a lot of time thinking EVERYONE thinks I'm lazy, loserish, messy, and slobbish. It's actually just me thinking this about myself. I have NO IDEA how these words got attached to myself in my own brain. I didn't used to be this way. I seriously didn't. I was a mega slob in college, and I WAS PROUD OF IT. The Shame Monster did not exist back then.
Blondie Blonderson, 17 years old, freshman in college, having the time of her life:
My first roommate was Japanese American. She was SUPER TIDY. I was not. We got along really well though and totally loved each other. Ah, memories. Back then, I saw myself as a free spirit. I embraced my "mess" as part of my writerly creativity. I was learning and growing and figuring out the world! I had no time to beat myself up. I was FABOOSH.
I want to find that girl again.
I asked Dorothy to sit down with a thesaurus and send me words that describe me so I could have them in a list for reference when I'm having a Dark Time, such as February. Man, I hate February. So close to spring, yet so far. So full of Valentine's Day commercials. Boo hiss.
A few days later, I texted Dorothy about something negative about myself, and she sent back a list of good words. Good kitty.
But there weren't ENOUGH words. I waited. I waited some more. Then I remembered that Dorothy has a job, a husband, a kiddo, and is Very Busy. I am not busy, I thought. Because I have no one. I am alone. A lonely loser.
STOP IT, REPTILE BRAIN!
Imma gonna get you, Depression. You will not win February, 2013. F*CK YOU!
So last night, I sat down at the computer and pulled up the thesaurus. I made little text boxes and then filled them up with words. Some related to my
This morning, I woke up and cheered that the sun was shining! If there is one good thing about Farmhouse Villa, it's that I get PLENTY of natural light. I was nervous about photographing these because my house is SUPER OLD, so the wood "looks dirty" even though it's just old paint.
Will my readers think my house is disgusting?
No, your readers will be happy you put PRETTY WORDS all over your house. GET OVER IT!
I put Good Words on the window next to the Beacon Hill:
I put them on the bathroom mirror:
And my bedroom door:
And the front door:
And the magnet thing by the front door that usually holds the Scary Tax Man Bill:
Above the kitchen sink, which was so bright that there was no way to take a good photo of it, oh well:
By the mirror in the entryway:
On the fridge next to one of my favorite Found Objects, a card from a friend that says: "Even my emotional baggage is Coach":
And on the wall leading into the living room:
Oh boy, there are a lot of GOOD WORDS all over my house now.
Having positive words in front of my eyeballs is such a good thing. Even if I just skim over them while I'm brushing my teeth, they will still become embedded in my brain over time. Shrinkdink would be very proud, methinks. It's all about tricking that old beast brain into creating new, positive pathways. I can do it!
Do you need some Good Words, too? Here you go:
Thank you, Dorothy.
And by the way, it's Dorothy and Kira's birthdays today. HAPPY BIRTHDAY, GIRLS! I LOVE YOU!