Letter From a Back

Dear Blondie,

What? The? F*ck?

I have been sending you EXTREME PAIN signals for days now with no response. This isn't cool. What happened? Why won't you talk to me? What did I do? I thought we had something special.

When you were wheeled into that hospital room and I was exposed to the team of doctors, I had no idea that was the last time we'd be on the same page. As you prattled on to Dr. Back about the serial killer room of your dollhouse (seriously, who does that?), I waited to send you EXTRA PAIN to get your attention back. But then I got that gigantic needle, and I was promptly muffled.

I got your attention for a minute when the steroid shot went into the sciatic nerve. Oh yeah, baby. I got you all the way down your leg to your foot. You squealed a bit! But the epidural? You only felt pressure. You were just blabbing away about MINIATURE SERIAL KILLERS (taking suggestions from the OR staff), and completely ignoring me.

I thought I might reel you back in when you asked to see the needle. When they moved your gurney over to the X-ray image and you saw your spine and the big needle, I thought for sure that would trigger something. But NO. You just thought it was AMAZINGLY GIGANTIC!

What is wrong with you?

For the last year, it's been you and me. We've been quite the pair. I'm always with you, spasming and jerking and making you look like a total freak. I've kept you from having fun with others. I've kept you from having cocktails with your friends because you've needed so many drugs to control me. I've basically made you a shut in. I've forced you to rely on your father to carry heavy things and your mother to help you with laundry. Don't you want them to help you all the time? Isn't that what every grown woman wants???

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU PICKED UP TWO HEAVY BOOKS YESTERDAY AND DIDN'T FEEL ME! I SENT OUT AN AMAZING PAIN SIGNAL AND NOTHING!! YOU JUST MOVED THE BOOKS AND WENT ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS. That would have killed you before. They were big books.

I don't like how quickly you seem to be blipping around your home. You used to move so slowly and really take your time with me. You babied me as you got in and out of the Corolla. You nurtured me while feeding the kittehs. You hollered when you sat down to pee. WHY CAN'T WE HAVE THIS RELATIONSHIP FOREVER?

Dr. Back did say that it might take up to three shots for it to really "take." I might be able to get in there and really f*ck with you before that happens. One can hope.

I see that you have a follow-up visit with Dr. Back ON VALENTINE'S DAY. I know he did that on purpose because you two are now having a love affair. F*cking cheater. What about ME? What we had was SO GOOD!!

I'm too angry to continue right now. I need some time. I'm going to fire off as many pain signals as I can and see what happens. I hope I get some response one day. You owe me that. We put in too much time together. Think about it.

Yours Truly,

Your Horrible Lower Back (and Joints)