Yesterday, I was getting ready to go shopping with Ma to get the last-minute touches for Dorothy's very-belated birthday gift when I got a call from my doctor's office. It's never good news when the nurse starts out:
Nurse: Your back X-ray showed nothing wrong as you know, but...
I tensed up. I sat down.
Nurse: It did show a possible kidney stone, so we want you to come in right away for a urine sample and then have a CT scan.
WHAT THE F*CK???
So I peppered her with questions. The poor dear heart had only called to tell me to come in and pee in a cup, but suddenly, I was freaking out on her.
Me: I'm a nervous person by nature, so I'm worried.
Nurse: Yes, I know.
(She sounded somewhat disgruntled; she knows me well since I freaked out on her like a small child when she gave me a shot in my back for my back pain; she also no doubt hates cleaning up after I'm in there because I sweat like only a crazy person can and make the paper sheet all nasty because I'm always scared at the doctor's office; also, she can never hear my blood pressure because I have an inability to relax my arm when she's taking it; basically, I've decided she hates me, which only makes things worse. I feel sorry for her. Seriously. It can be difficult to be my doctor, nurse, etc.)
So then because I was ALREADY in fight-or-flight mode, my brain Went There.
Me: This doesn't mean I have cancer and I'm going to die or anything does it?
This seems to be a common theme with me lately -- the cancer. And I wasn't actually joking. I'm TERRIFIED of cancer. I decided it wasn't actually a kidney stone. I decided it was a tumor. In my kidney.
Nurse: No. We just need you to come in and give a urine sample.
I have a PT appointment today, so I told her I'd come give some pee before that. Unfortunately, my doctor WILL NOT be in today, so I will have to sit and wait with my questions. Thank GAWD for Xanax.
So Ma shows up to drive us uptown and I tell her about the stone. I know basically nothing about my mother's father. He died of a heart attack when he was 66, three weeks before my parents' wedding. He worked in the dairy industry, and he got a lot of free canes because of that that I used to play with when I was young. Other than that, I know nothing. So this shocked the hell out of me...
Ma: Oh, my father had kidney stones all the time. He kept them in a little jar. He had so many that they took out part of his kidney (emphasis mine). Then he didn't get them anymore.
Then Ma started talking about totally different things while I got light-headed. I hadn't had a real meal all day and it was roughly 3:30pm. I started to feel very dizzy. My arms started tingling. I was having a full-blown panic attack, oh yes I was. It's been a while since I've had one, so I forgot that they can make me feel extremely fainty.
I cranked the seat back so my head was lower. Then I started CRYING.
Me: WHY ME? WHY DO I HAVE TO HAVE A CT SCAN? DOES THAT MEAN IT'S XLL OR SOMETHING? DOES EVERYONE GET A CT SCAN FOR KIDNEY STONES? I CAN'T AFFORD A FREAKIN' CT ON TOP OF ALL THIS PT! MY BACK HURTS. I'M TRYING SOOOOOOO HARD TO BE CHEERFUL AND POSITIVE AND HAVE A HEALTHY OUTLOOK AND NOW I HAVE A FREAKIN' KIDNEY STONE? WTF IS A KIDNEY STONE? AM I GOING TO HAVE THEM FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE? FEATHERPLUME GETS THEM AND SHE SAID THEY HURT REALLY BAD. THIS ISN'T FAIR!!!!!!
Ma: Oh, it's just a kidney stone. My father got them all the time...
And then she started teasing me for being so worried.
Something like that.
But when my mother figured out that I really WAS freaking out and SCARED, like REALLY SCARED, she stopped teasing me and comforted me in the way that only a mother can do. We shopped, got some Taco Bell on the way home (Taco Bell makes everything better), and then went to her house to watch Nip/Tuck. And even though I know you're NOT supposed to do this, I did go ahead and look up kidney stones on Webmd just to read the symptoms and whatnot. I also texted Featherplume with questions, and she told about her experiences.
I know a kidney stone is not the end of the world. I really do. But one that is big enough to be obvious on an X-ray? Isn't that a little big? I read the big ones can require special machines to break them up or... surgery. Also? It hurts like HELL to have them pass. I know that for sure. When will it pass? During a phone conference call? In the middle of the night? Will it begin when I'm driving somewhere and least expect it?
It's the anticipation of the event -- it's always worse than the event.
Things I Do Know
- My paternal grandfather was plagued by these puppies, so it's most likely hereditary.
- I need to drink a sh*tload of water.
- Featherplume has not yet died from hers, and I'm pretty sure she had one when she was preggo with Wee Plume. If she can do it, so can I!
- It's entirely possible that my kidney stone could be part of the source of the back pain I've been having. While I did injure myself, it could be a completely different pain that is exacerbating the situation.
- If I hadn't have hurt my back, I would never have had the X-ray. Then one day, I would be passing a stone with NO CLUE what was going on and totally FREAKING OUT even more than I am now, so I suppose I am grateful that we found it in advance.
One of the ways I try to curb my anxiety is through humor, so I've now named my kidney stone Kendrick the Kidney Stone. I'm not totally sure I have one yet. I need to go ahead and LET A REAL DOCTOR diagnose me for sure with the pee test and the X-ray stuff. But just in case he's in there, he should know that it's war.
Dear Universe,
They say that you should put out positive energy and you will receive it back. WTF? I've been kind to strangers, doing fun crafts, and being extremely appreciative toward my family and friends. I've been a good kid. I haven't done anything really dumb in a while, so why is Something Stupid Happening In Me again? Didn't we have a deal? I work on my mental health, and you make GOOD things happen?
Well, you should know that you can't break me. Yes, I did have a meltdown yesterday. I deserved to have one. I've been in pain for SO LONG. My back has been a NIGHTMARE. And now you throw a scary, freaky, spiny kidney stone at me. Totally not cool.
Let's work on this together. Clean slate, if you will. Quit making Stupid Things happen, and I'll be even nicer and happier than you can imagine. OK, you go first. I'm waiting.
Love,
Blondie Blonderson
Oh, and Happy Valentine's Day, everyone. I really do mean that. I hope your day is filled with love, chocolate, and Non-Stupid events. XXOO
9 comments:
Oh my! I've had kidney stones three times (when I was 19, when I was 25, and lastly just before I turned 30). Of the three only the last required a CT scan and a visit to the hospital. If you have any other questions your friend Featherplume couldn't answer, or you just want another person to email with about it, I'm easy to find.
Anxiety is such a snot, making something that is already painful and scary WORSE. Totally unfair.
I'm sorry you're stuck in the land of kidney stones. :(
I've had kidney stones four times now, and I am 38. I have passed them on my own three times, and one time I had to have a stint put in.
Get some good pain meds from your Dr. And, I would suggest drinking lots of lemonade. That helps break them up and pass them through in smaller pieces (like the size of tiny grains of sand).
Also, most importantly, IF you take daily vitamins, check to see if they have CALCIUM CARBONATE in the ingredients. If they DO, throw them out. The Calcium Carbonate causes kidney stones.
Hang in there.
Thank you so much for the info and support. I had the urine test and there was NO blood in the urine. Does that mean it's something else?
*freaking a bit*
I have had them twice and no blood in my urine either... but mine were small, they were seen on the x-rays but no one asked me to do a CT scan... I have heard that popcorn could cause them (that may be a wives tale) and so I avoid that now and also watch for calcium carbonate, but I never peed through the strainer to catch my kidney stone so they were never tested to see what type they were. I honestly wasn't in much pain with either one, but they were small... I had no idea either time when they actually passed just that the pain in my back/side went away.
Try not to worry! (I know what its like to have anxiety but often telling myself "you know this is BS anxiety and you have no reason to go down this path" helps me) *hugs*
Oh and PS I freaked out when I started having symptoms my first time, I had just found out the week before that I was pregnant (so basically 5 weeks along) we hadn't told anyone yet and I had diagnosed myself with a tubal pregnancy and freaked out sobbing on the phone to my mom... what a lovely way to announce a pregnancy right?
You know, that just totally sucks. I too am inclined toward panic attacks if I think I have a major medical problem and I am glad that you have access to good old "Vitamin X" heh heh.
Don't know much from kidney stones, though if you ever want to talk Gall Stones, I'm your gal! ;)
Hope that your feeling better soon...
I have had one kidney stone...over six years ago. I think that they made me have an MRI to diagnose it. It hurt really badly (which is why I went into the doctor) and I couldn't pass it. I had to have surgery...which freaked me out. I have anxiety too and was not taking anything for it at the time. So...I was convinced I would die during the surgery. Good times. Don't sweat it too much. It will either pass or it won't. Drink a lot of water...and continue to do that from now on, especially if you have a family history. Good luck!
I LOVE ALL OF YOU!!! Having this information and hearing others have been through it is really calming my nerves. Thank you so much. :)
Yikes! I've luckily never been through this (nor has anyone in my immediate family) but it sounds painful! Keep your fingers crossed for good news from the doctor... and if Kendrick is there then tell him to behave and be gone already!
HUGS!
Post a Comment