New and Improved Blondie Makes a Promise to Herself

Due to my wackadoo back problems, this year has started out a little wonky. I am still in a lot of pain each day, and I've had difficulty keeping up with housework, etc. HOWEVER, I have a mission for 2012, and nothing is going to stop me. This year, I'm going to rock.

The New and Improved Blondie is going to take better care of herself. It's all a mental health game, really. When I get into a depressive slump, it's usually because I've been listening to the nonsense in my head that is deeply ingrained within myself. I know that science has proven we can literally change the way we think by creating new neuron pathways in our brains. The problem? It takes hard work and practice.

Shrinkydink always told me that the first step is recognizing the bad thoughts. Oh, there you are. Isn't that interesting. Simply pausing to notice that you're having the self-destructive thoughts is very important. It temporarily halts them. Then, if you have the strength or oomph to do it, you can force a new thought through your mind. I am special and beautiful. Something like that. Zap poof ZING! You're on your way to creating a new way of thinking.

(I have simplified. It takes a lot longer to create the new pathways. Also, I'm not a medical doctor or a psychologist. But I read a lot. That counts, right? Whatevs.)

Anyway, my goal for this year is to make myself feel good and special in as many ways as possible. I'm already on my way by letting myself take my new painting class, which has opened up my mind to a lot of creative thoughts about the world around me. I've been spending time daydreaming about different works of art instead of my upcoming appointment with the Tax Man. Giving myself the simple opportunity to daydream about painting and New York City has done wonders for what my brain is doing in its spare time. It will take much more work to truly get me out of my most recent funk (and the back pain going away would really help), but I think I have made a good start. Good job, Blondie! (See, I'm already rewarding myself. Baby steps.)

I will be turning 35 in May. I already know that this is setting off some kind of alarm bells in my mind about various failed dreams. I don't want to beat myself up all year long about my own perceived failures in life. Not cool. Not productive. So a while back, I started thinking about something I could do to symbolically remind myself that I am worthy and deserving of all good things in life.

One of the things that seems to affect me in a negative way is all of the beautiful jewelry my friends have from their husbands, lovers, or boyfriends. There is no "good" reason to have an extensive jewelry collection when you're single. There are much better things to spend your money on. I have a few really nice pieces of jewelry from my grandmother and parents. I also have a stunning necklace/bracelet set from Marshall. But other than that, I have no nice jewelry. Most of it is sterling silver, which tarnishes and then I am too lazy to clean it. I also have broken a lot of chains, so I have a bunch of pendants with no necklaces to hold them on. Last year, I bought myself a nice ring, but it was rather cheap and it's a little too big and I realized that I bought it because it was in my price range -- not because I was in love with it.

So I started getting this idea in my mind that I should buy myself a promise ring. It sounds cheesy, but it's going to work like this: I promise to take care of myself and give myself the best life possible. Wedding rings are a symbol of a bond -- vows that two people make to each other for a lifetime. I don't need the ring I want to come from someone else. I need a ring that is just for me -- something that will be on my hand each day to remind myself that I am worthy. A reminder that someone is looking out for me, even if it's just myself. It will almost serve as a personal challenge. Are you going to let yourself down or pick yourself up today?

I listen to about .05% of what Dr. Phil has to say, but one of the mantras he often says about relationships that is that each day you choose to "contribute to or contaminate" your relationship. It's a good philosophy. Are you going to make your partner's life good or bad each day? Serve as inspiration or be an a$$hat? I'm going to try to use this philosophy on myself in 2012. I want to contribute good things to my life. Good thoughts, healthy relationships, and stop being so freaking hard on myself all the time.

(In a few months when I'm having a bad day and start the inevitable swoop back downwards, can you remind me that I said all of this now? K, thanks.)

Sometimes, when I get bored, I've gone and looked for the "perfect ring" that I want. Not an engagement ring, just any old ring. I feel like jewelry, houses, and kitties are all "found" in the same way. You just know. You see it and BAM, you're done. So for about six months now, I've been searching for my ring. I can't tell you how many rings I've scrolled through on various web sites. It's been a LOT. Yesterday, I found it. My ring. It's simple, small, and perfect. I want it. I need it.

I found the ring on a Web site called Ruby Lane, which is a portal for a bunch of different shops. You have the option to make an "offer" on something you want for less than the price it's listed at. After hovering over my ring for a while, I decided to try out the offer option. Why not? It's there for a reason, right? So instead of paying $225 for the ring, I offered $200. The problem with doing this is that the offer gets forwarded to the owner of the shop and then you have to wait.

*waits*

At this moment in time, I'm thinking I should have just bought the damn ring so I wouldn't have to worry about it. What if someone else offers a better offer? That's my ring! It's one of a kind! ACK! Because it's the weekend, I now have to wait until the owner sees the offer and makes a choice. I'm hoping this will all be resolved soon because I might freak out a little bit if I don't get my ring. I really want it. Bad.

I don't want to put a picture up of it because I don't want to jinx myself. It's entirely possible that I will have to begin a new ring search if I lose this option. But I can tell you that it's an estate ring -- old, vintage, and Not Perfect. It has some flaws. That doesn't bother me at all. I like the idea that this ring has been around for a while. I wonder what woman wore it, what her story was, and what it meant to her? Was it from a lover or a gift to herself? Was it a family heirloom? Did she love it or hate it? So many thoughts. Ideas for stories or paintings...

(Wow, this post is getting long. I clearly have a lot to say today.)

Either way, if I get this ring that I want or have to look for another, the point is that I'm getting myself a promise ring. And then I'm going to promise to take care of myself and give myself the the most rewarding, exiting life possible even if I end up alone, renting, and childless forever. The fears that I've been living with for the last few years have been overpowering. They have stunted my growth and halted me in an unhealthy, unproductive way. I'm going to stop punishing myself for some bad things that have happened to me in the last few years. It was all just a part of life. It's time to move on for reals.

When I do get my ring, I will slip it on my finger, close my eyes, and promise myself that I will Do Better. I will treat myself with the same respect, compassion, and love that I give to my friends and family. I forgive my friends and loved ones for their flaws and mistakes, so I will also forgive myself. I try to find small ways to make my friends happy, so I will also do this for me. I've been looking for so long for someone I can shower with love and affection. I think I finally found her.