Internal Arguments

I have started and deleted this post 6 times. This time, no matter what I type, I'm leaving it up on the screen. I'm having a rotten morning because even though I went to the doctor yesterday and got some meds, I woke up in horrifying pain due to tweaking and re-injuring my back roughly 10 times over the holidays.

You know what sucks when you're already in a huge amount of physical pain? Bills. Unexpected, giant bills.

So then you start thinking maybe you should cancel your upcoming art class. Even though you've been looking forward to it and have gotten all excited, it suddenly seems like an unnecessary expense. Frivolous in a way. A waste of funds.

But then you remind yourself that you never do anything fun, and this is probably why your back hurts so much -- your body is rejecting your boring life. And you're trying SO VERY HARD to pull yourself out of the winter depression that has darkened every good thing in your life. Pretty colors would make it better. Gazing at great paintings during the class would stimulate your mind and show you there is life in the world.

But then you think about how much money it costs to take the art class and the brushes and paints that you will surely need to start this new hobby. Surely, you don't need to spend any more money right now (especially after buying Shirley, this brand new computer you are typing on).

And the very last thing you need right now is the giant, snarling, drooling, Shame Monster that is sitting on your shoulder asking you why you need to go to a museum and pay money to learn how to paint when surely, you could learn acrylics on your own.

I hate the Shame Monster. It has so much power right now. F*cker.

I have a few choices here:

• Cancel the art class and then secretly cry about it for a few months.
• Work all day long while running a hamster-wheel recording in my mind about money, bills, my parents' disappointment in me, freelancing payments that take forEVER to come, and getting a job at the grocery store so someone else pays my health insurance.
• Choose right here right now to stay in the class and not feel guilty about it. Then work, eat, sleep, and repeat.

Shrinkydink would say to choose #3. #3 is the key to getting myself out of this cycle. Thinking about money doesn't make it go away or change anything. It only makes me even more crazy than I already am.

I actually opened the window to where I'd made my payment for the class a few times and hovered over the cancel button.

But I think instead, I'll go to the class, learn how to paint, and eventually paint an image of myself conquering the Shame Monster. I wonder what that will look like?