Getting Rid of the Ick

For the last week or so, I've been very gloomy. Last night, I realized what was happening. I'm officially having a mid-life crisis. There. I said it.

As a little treat, I recently bought my cousin Kira a 5-year diary. She interviewed me for a grad school paper last year about the art of journaling. When she said she didn't think she'd ever find the time or energy, I reminded her that our grandfather kept a diary 5 years at a time. My father also does this. You just have to write one line a day -- it's very handy. While I do blog here about many things, there are a TON of other personal thoughts I have that I do NOT feel comfortable sharing with the world. So I do write in a diary from time to time. When I bought the small, easy diary for Kira, I also bought one for myself.

I think I got a little weebed out when I sat down to write in the diary because I wrote 2012 in as the date. That means I will end the diary in 2017, when I am 40. 40?? Yes, 40. Because this year, I will be 35. This notion of being 35? It hit me like a ton of bricks. Fuuuuuudge.

When I turned 25, I also had a meltdown of sorts. Back then, I was super dreamy about what my life was supposed to be like. I was working at the Giant Publishing House, living in Chicago, and my brain self-terminated for a few days. I actually called in sick to work. Over turning 25. We can laugh now, but I was super freaked out at the time. See, I always thought I would die young. I grew up thinking I only HAD until 25 to accomplish all of my goals. When I realized I wasn't fabulous at 25, I broke down. Eventually, I picked myself up, brushed myself off, and kept going with my life. And then 10 years passed and here we are again.

Has it been 10 years? Where does the time go?

Part of the freaking out is from waking up from this Gloom and Doom phase I was in during 2011. I now have a sudden desire to Do Things and Be Productive in ways I never have before. But I also get scared that maybe I've missed out on my chance for certain life events -- love, children, a true home. Maybe it's not depression -- maybe it's just the truth. Maybe, just maybe, I really AM destined to stumble through life without really knowing what my direction is. How can this be possible? I was raised in a great home, I got a good education, and I've put myself out there in 1,000 different ways. Is this really it?

*crickets*

Yes, I know, I know. I'm still YOUNG. Randomly, my California Cousin called me yesterday out of the blue. I don't remember her ever calling me in my entire life. Perhaps she has, but I don't remember it. She called to catch up, and we had a wonderful conversation. She was funny and interesting and had some good life stories to share. She's 43 now, so I have much to learn from my older, wiser cousin. I know this is true with all of them. Chicago Cousin and I recently had a very enlightening conversation about love and life. I know mysterious and magical things can happen at any time, but I do still feel that I always miss the mark.

For example, I want SO badly to buy a home, but even though I've been successfully freelancing for almost 5 years, I feel like there is NO way I can buy a home without a "real" job. But there is no way to get a "real" job in this area. But this is where I want to live. Catch-22. Catch-34?

I think everyone goes through some kind of mid-life crisis. We do it at different ages. Lord knows I know enough men who are REALLY obvious about it. Divorces, flashy cars, hair plugs, new gym memberships. Women are less physically obvious about it, but I think we take it harder because we can get so stuck in our minds. Our crisis moments are hidden in the thick jungles of our psyches. It can get quite ugly in there. It does for me, anyway.

So I know I'm not alone in thinking that I've reached the middle of my life without a whole hell of a lot to show for it. And I know the grass is ALWAYS greener on the other side. Somewhere out there, a reader is thinking he/she wishes he/she would have gone to college and lived in Oregon and Chicago and come to live in a wee farmhouse near his/her folks instead of getting married and having 4 kids before age 25. It goes both ways, the longing.

I think I've been single for too long. I could go without the kids and the house and the fabulous job if I had a companion in this life. My girlfriends are awesome, but it's not the same. I had a wonderful love once, so it hurts even more to be alone because now I know what I am missing. Perhaps life would be less painful if I had never known it? Is it really better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all? I don't know. This week, as the new year rolled in, I felt it deep inside -- that maybe my Great Love had come and gone for good.

I don't want to have this attitude. I want to be sparkly and vibrant and all Yeah, I'm single, whatevs about it, but I'm lonely right now. I want a best friend, a partner in crime, someone to sit next to. This holiday season was hard. There was a lot of love around me. I was happy for those I saw in love, but it awakened my crusty, black heart and stirred it to life. What about me? I can love, too. I'm good at it. Just give me a chance.

Ugh, how depressing. I thought I was going to be chipper and happy this year, wasn't I? Ah, but I know myself too well. In order to get through these moments, I have to type or write them down and get them OUT of my system. Take all of the power and fear out of the secret stories that lurk in my mind. It's the only way I can keep myself from turning ever more inward and disappearing into the abyss. I must remind myself: There is nothing wrong with being lonely. Look at all of the great literature, art, and music in the world. It was created by broken hearts. This is part of the human experience. 

In the last few weeks, I've written 4 or 5 of these posts and deleted them because I felt they were "too much." It's somewhat embarrassing to lay it all out on the line and show my soft underbelly. But I want to get unstuck. I need these thoughts to leave me. By writing them on the Internet, I'm banishing them out of my mind. Go, sad thoughts. Fly around the world, zip through the wires of this computer, and leave me alone.