Blondie's Unexplained Bump, Part 263

Sometime in November, I found a lump in the shin area of my left leg. It was a small knot, and it hurt when I pushed on it. There was no bruise, so I was confused. What did I do? When did I do it? I decided to ignore it for a while in the hopes that it would go away. But during that time, I had a secret fear growing bigger and bigger inside of me: I have my mother's cancer.

Ma survived two bouts with cancer and has been cancer-free for something like 25 years. (Don't ask me to do the math or tell you what it was called because I never remember.) Here are the facts I know about Ma's cancer:

• She had two different tumors. One was in her lower right shin; one was in her upper right thigh.
• She noticed the lumps because they were there, but they didn't hurt OR have bruises.
• She had surgery to remove both, then chemo and radiation.
• It was scary and awful.

So after fingering this bump on my shin for a few weeks, I decided maybe I should go see the doctor. It's better to be safe than sorry. Over Thanksgiving, I made Ma and Chicago Cousin feel the lump to make sure I wasn't imagining it. Then I thought about going to the doctor and waited. And waited and waited. The fear -- it was all-consuming.

I actually did this to myself:

Maybe the reason you aren't married and don't have children is because you are going to die young from this horrible cancer. 

Who does that to themselves? People like me, I guess.

So the holidays came along in full force and work was busy and I was procrastinating, but I finally made the appointment and went to see my doc. By the time I went to see him, the lump had significantly shrunk. I wasn't as afraid of it as I had been before, but I was still concerned. Especially when he started pushing on it and insisted we take X-rays.

So he took some X-rays, and I sat there waiting for diagnosis.

Tick, tick, tick...

When I first arrived at the doctor, I weighed in. Oddly, and I seriously have no idea how this happened, I've lost 11 lbs since I went to see this doctor at this same time last year. So then I decided my random weight loss must have something to do with the cancer growing inside of me.

Tick, tick, tick...

My mother has been to see this doctor, so I asked him to check her records to see what kind she had had. He left the room and went to look up her history.

Tick, tick, tick...

Then he came back and put my X-ray up on the screen. The tech had drawn a giant arrow pointing to the bump. There it was. The bump. It was real. It was obvious on the X-ray. It was NOT my imagination.

Because of my mother's history, my doctor recommended that I get an MRI.

In a flash, I was snapped out of my fear and fully into my present -- the life I currently have that comes with a history of enormous, life-altering medical bills and nothing to show for it on the other end of them. Suddenly, I was no longer a scared child. I was a full-on grown-up with a shrinking lump who did NOT want to go down another road of hospital visits, hopes and dreams dashed, and an inability to do anything fun ever because all I do is Pay Big Bills.

I took a moment to explain to my doctor how I'm still paying off all of the testing I had done because of my whoosh, so there is no way in hell I'm getting another giant test without a REALLY good reason. I reminded him that the bump is smaller now -- much smaller than it was back in November. Surely, if it was cancer, it would grow bigger, right?

He looked at me with concern (he's a truly loving, caring doctor), and said I could have like six months. We agreed that I could wait and watch for a bit. If it gets bigger, I have to get the MRI. And I totally will. Because I know what happens when you let cancer grow too long because of fear. I know it all too well.

In this case, I honestly don't think a cancer ball is growing. The doctor said I may have bumped my leg at one time and now it's formed a calcium deposit or some such thing. Most likely, and I truly believe this with all of my heart now, it's nothing.

But for a while there, I was terrified. I had nightmares and daydreams that I really didn't need to be having. I should have gone to the doctor earlier. Next time, I will.

This is a friendly reminder to go to the doctor if you have any strange things going on that concern you. Trust me, you'll feel a lot better afterward.