Waking Myself Up

There always comes a point in time when you realize you've been neglecting something. You're going along through life and suddenly you trip over a stack of books in the dining room and look up and go: "Wow, my house is a MESS." I'm not having that specific problem right now. My house is cluttered, but it's not the wreck that it has been in the past. Instead, I've recently tripped over my own stack of emotions and realized I've been neglecting my own spirit. The "house" is a mess, and by "house" I mean "me."

I carry all of my emotions in my lower back. Whenever I throw out my back, it's rarely just a physical thing. I know this, but like any good human, I choose to ignore it. No, I'm fine. Really. Whatevs. What's that shiny thing over there?

But after wonking out my back recently, it's time to do some self-evaluating. Usually, the back pain would be gone by now. I've taken Advil, iced myself, and sat/slept properly. My back should be going back to normal right about now, but it's not. Damn.

Blondie: OK, body, what are you trying to tell me?

Body: I'm hurt.

Blondie: Yes, I realize that. So why are you hurt?

Body: Because I'm hurt.

This year, I was so busy with work that I had very little downtime. While I was busy focusing on assignments, the joy was slowly being sucked out of my life. Months went by without important phone calls, dinner dates, or emails to my support system. I saw my parents often, but we didn't have any fun dates to go do things like we have in years past. And if you haven't noticed, I've been using old photographs on the blog for months because a.) I have a new camera that constantly needs me to charge its battery and I always forget to do it and b.) I haven't had anything interesting enough to photograph in my direct line of vision. I've become quite boring. Lifeless.

When you have a kid who is sad or bored, you try to make the kid feel good. Take the kid to a movie. Make a special meal. Plan a fun activity. The sucky thing about being single is that YOU are responsible for entertaining yourself or cheering yourself up all the time. No one is going to realize you're sitting on the couch in your pajamas at 6pm for the fourth day in a row. They can't see you in your little house feeling bored and wondering how long it will take until bedtime -- oh my, how those hours can stretch.

Yes, it's all on you to create your own plans, find new things to do, and get yourself up and about. And sometimes, you just get so tired of it. F*ck it, I'll just sit here. I don't want to spend any money anyway. And then all of the sudden, it's December, and you're reflecting on the last year of your life -- remembering New Year's Eve 2009 and saying: Where did 2010 go? What was I doing? Oh yeah, nothing. I just lost a year of my life to work, poverty, and boredom.

If the world really is going to end on December 21, 2012, I'd better figure out how to make my last year alive more interesting. I don't want to go out knowing that I wasted time staring at the walls. In my past, I've taken classes, started new hobbies, and have been pretty good at pulling myself up out of these bouts of depression. Here we go... again.

It's my goal to clean up my house. Out with the old and in with the new. I can't expect life to be interesting if I am uninteresting to myself. We attract what we put out into the universe. It's time to attract something amazing. I suppose that means it's time to make myself amazing. Let's hope I can.