Publicly Deconstructing a Nightmare

My dreams are so vivid that I often think they are real when I wake up. A nightmare awoke me at 4am today, and I couldn't go back to sleep afterward. I dreamed that my sister, Dorothy, had died and no one had the guts to tell Little. Something like 3 weeks went by. During that time, I was searching for apartments. I was in Chicago on a familiar street, but every time I came around the block, I was back where I had started. Then suddenly, I was in Portland. I had the same problems with the streets. I could make no progress. Before I knew it, I was back in my parents' home. I was asking them when they were going to tell Little about my sister. Then, there she was on the bed. She was pale white and started coughing something awful. I realized she wasn't dead but would be soon. Then I woke up.

My dreams are usually:

• Something from my real life that is stuck in my psyche.
• Something from a television show, movie, or book that I've recently seen or read.

This dream appears to be neither of the two. It was a straight-up foreign nightmare that jarred my soul. There were a few elements of it that were "true." All of my family members were real family members (sometimes, they're strangers posing as family members) and my sister has one hell of a cough. She is a very violent cougher -- always has been. Other elements were total fiction, such as the fear of my sister's death and the "familiar" streets of my previous cities. While I have had a lifelong fear of my parents dying, I've never been afraid of my sister's death. I'm sure it's what one would call hard-core denial, but it's true. It's not something I think/dream about. So what was going on in my brain?

I've long been a studier of my own dreams. I've had plenty of dream journals. I used to wake up and write them down in the middle of the night, but then in the morning I realized I could never read my own handwriting. At some point, I stopped bothering with the journals. My dreams are so real that it's hard for me to forget them. I can't shake this one about Dorothy even though it's been like 6 hours. It was so real.

My parents were alive at the end of the dream, but somewhere in the middle, they weren't. While I was searching down those long, city streets, I had a conscious thought: I can live wherever I want because I have no family left. Here is a large difference between my dream world and my real world. See, if my parents and sister passed away, I would still be in contact with my niece and brother-in-law. I would also still be in contact with all of my extended family. None of those relationships would change. But in the dream, they disappeared out of the picture. I realized I could move anywhere, go anywhere. I had no strings attached at all. I wandered into two or three apartment buildings to see how much the rentals cost. There were a ton of people waiting in line to rent the units. I remember being frustrated. It's going to be so hard to move alone.

Aha! I knew this writing exercise would have a purpose!

See, I always know what my dreams mean. I'm very intuitive about my own emotions and fears, so I can usually work out the symbolism of my nocturnal musings quite easily. This dream has haunted me all morning because I haven't been able to get to the source of it. Why did I dream that my sister was dead? Why was I wandering through cities looking for apartments? How come I was in Chicago and Portland instead of Farmsville?

But as I sit here writing, it all becomes clear. See, my Chicago Cousin? She just got engaged. I'm THRILLED for her. I like her fiance, and I'm excited to see this new family come into the fold. But after all of the excitement wore down, I realized that I'm the only "local" cousin left from this side of my family that doesn't have a family:

• Eagle: Older male cousin, wife, 2 kids
• Dorothy: Older sister, husband, 1 kid
• Chicago Cousin: Older female cousin, now engaged
• Kira: Older female cousin, married, 1 step-kid
• Hawk: Younger male cousin, 1 kid
• Blondie:

Now that I think about it, I mentioned this to my parents this weekend. They all have families now, except me. Yes, I have a large, extended family and living parents and a sister, but I do not have a nuclear family of my own. One of my greatest fears that I've spoken to my Shrinkydink about for years is being left behind. And even though I try to fight it and do things on my own schedule, this fear is creeping up on me. I'm being left behind -- again.

Note that list of cousins. In age order, we're all roughly 1 year apart, with the boys being two years on either end, like a nice set of bookends. We all participated in extracurricular activities, went to the same church, and participated in sports. After high school, Dorothy, Chicago Cousin, Kira, Hawk, and I all went to the University of Iowa. Eagle, ever the lone wolf, went to Iowa State. And after that we scattered around and started our lives. But somehow, my life has taken a different turn than theirs.

I knew it was only a matter of time before Chicago Cousin got married. She's gorgeous, super smart, and a great catch. From experience, I can tell you that it takes a lot longer to find the right people in cities, so it doesn't surprise me that she took her time finding the right man. And I'd like to note that my own neurosis doesn't take away at all from my happiness for her. I am genuinely excited for her. But sure, after having this wonk dream and journaling here for a bit, I have to admit that it also scares me. I think having her be single as well was kind of like a woobie to me, and now that woobie is being taken away. Make sense?

Now the pieces of the nightmare all become obvious -- the anonymity of large cities, the death/lack of information about my sister, the overwhelming feeling of options because there's nothing holding me back. I don't want a rootless life. I want roots that grow down so deep that the greatest of storms can't tear them out. I do not want to be left behind.

I don't even have to call Shrinky. I can hear her:

Shrinky: "What does it mean if you are left behind?"

Blondie: "That I'm not good enough."

Shrinky: "And if you aren't good enough then...?"

Blondie: "Then I will be alone."

Shrinky: "And what does it mean if you are alone?"

Blondie: "That I have failed."

Every road leads back to that same sentence. I have failed. You can name any fear I have aloud and we can do this same dance and I'll always come back to the same place. I wish I could see my life as filled with accomplishments, but I obviously still have a very real and powerful fear of failure that is connected to relationships. I wonder if I'll ever conquer this fear?

At least I can acknowledge it. Each time I say (or write) it aloud, I take away some of its power. It's helpful to look my fears in the face. I see you. If I see you, maybe you can't win.

Shrinky wrote something on a piece of paper and gave it to me once. She encouraged me to repeat this line over and over in my mind. I did for a while, but then I got distracted and went on to other things. I think it's time to bring this mantra back into my focus:

It may be possible that I'm enough.