Friday, September 03, 2010
Mike Wolfe's Non-Fake Girlfriend: The Interview
To truly understand this post, you need to read Part 1, Part 2, and Part 3. I'll wait.
OK, let's roll.
I have a confession to make. I actually do know Mike Wolfe's non-fake girlfriend. Her name is Jodi, and she is now my roommate. See, once she figured out Mike was trying to win me back and NOTHING could stop him, she realized that their relationship couldn't handle the strain. Poor thing.
So Jodi packed her bags and showed up on my doorstop one night in the pouring rain. When I opened the door, that really sad music from that one sad movie was actually playing in the background. I have no idea how she got a sound-system to follow her around like that, but it was very dramatic and effective.
I explained to her that I can't control Mike Wolfe. He will do as he pleases. She was shocked and horrified to learn of our whirlwind fake love affair via the Internet. Especially when she sat down on the couch, cuddled up with the superfly kittehs, and realized how amazingly hot I am. Especially when I'm in my comfy pants and haven't showered for two days. I decided to put on deodorant, offer her some stale wine my sister left in the fridge a year ago, and interview her.
BLONDIE: Jodi, I'm sorry this is happening. Well, not really. But whatevs. How long have you been with Mike?
JODI: 16 years! He played on the fact that we were both Scorpios and convinced me to go on a bicycle ride with him in the country.
BLONDIE: Yeah, he's totally sneaky like that. He likes to prey on people's weaknesses. But 16 years!! I've only been in my fake relationship with him for like 2 seasons? It's amazing how such a long-term relationship could be knocked out in such a short amount of time. BUT BACK TO ME. Focus! So I know there are fans out there who adore Mike and all, but how do you feel about ME being such a priority in his life? I mean, look and what he and my sister have been up to!
JODI: I know! I'm shocked. He has always been so loyal to me and our girls (Scout & Ruby)! You must have something he can't resist and this is why I am on your doorstep in the rain to find out.
I interrupt this interview to bring you the beloved Ruby:
And the superfly Scout:
At this point, I just kind of lifted my hands up and suggested that she look around the house. And at me in my comfy pants. I mean, come on. What is there not to love??
BLONDIE: When Mike is on the road, I know he's always trying to call me. For some reason my phone doesn't receive these calls, but I know they are ALWAYS coming in. How do (or should I say did) you two deal with the long-distance element?
JODI: Well, I see him every 2 weeks and now I will be monitoring his Blackberry for these calls when I am with him! I also fly out to join him and the crew on some picks occasionally which breaks up our time apart. But wait. I guess it doesn't matter now...
BLONDIE: No it doesn't. I can see from the moving van you brought with you (sigh, you are embarrassing me with that thing in front of the neighbors and the goats, but I feel sorry for you so I won't make you move it--for now) that you are planning on moving to Farmsville. I know you want to live with me and all, and I suppose I can make room for you on the couch (no, you can't have that spare bedroom that no one sleeps in) to be closer to Mike somehow through me. But what can you tell me about LeClaire?
JODI: Excuse my large moving van. You don't recognize it as the Antique Archaeology van anymore as I took a sledgehammer to it and painted it lime green the minute I found out about you! As for LeClaire, I consider it one of the most beautiful places in Iowa! We gaze at the Mississippi River right out our bedroom window. We watch the pelicans in the summer and the eagles in the winter (that is, before you came along), and we absolutely love the history of our Riverboat town. The people are amazing and you just know you're "home" when you come to LeClaire.
Pauses to throw up stunningly beautiful photo of what she's talking about:
BLONDIE: Oh, that is lovely. Go back. I mean. Um. Next question. I can only support you financially for so long. What are you going to do to contribute to my household? I mean, what do you do for a living?
JODI: I work in the agricultural equipment industry as an accountant. When I first met Mike, he told me he was looking for an accountant and that's how he kept me talking to him for 4 years. Don't tell me he tried this on you as well?
BLONDIE: (BLEEP! I'm TERRIBLE at numbers!) No, um. He hasn't tried that with me. He's more attracted to the incredible amount of time I spend with my parents even though I'm a grown woman. But moving on. I field phone calls from The History Channel like allllll day long because they want me to appear in public with Mike or do press for American Pickers. We haven't seen you on the scene--why not?
JODI: The show isn't about me and Mike. The show is about finding that lost treasure and discovering those forgotten places. There is enough drama on TV already. Let's keep this show about what we all know and love--JUNK!
BLONDIE: Well said. I like that one a lot. Here, have a cracker. Good girl. For all of the people who come to my blog with the keyword search "Mike Wolfe's girlfriend," is there anything you would like us to know about him? Is there anything I should know about him since he isn't going to stop courting me until we are surgically conjoined?
JODI: Mike is exactly the guy you see on Monday nights. He's full of energy, passionate about what he does, and is the funniest person I have ever met. We laugh every day. He is also a very creative person--ideas bounce around in his head 24/7. I love that about him. I'm never bored.
BLONDIE: And what should we know about you? Other than the fact that (clearly) you are now obsessed with me as well?
JODI: I am just a girl from Iowa. I love my dogs (and all animals for that matter). I hold my friends as close as my family. I'm passionate about gardening, doing anything outdoors, and good wine! I also love to go picking, however sometimes Mike doesn't like that as I like to keep things and he likes to flip them!
BLONDIE: Sigh. You're purty and neat. I think I will keep you.
At this point, I had to stop the interview because the dear heart burst into tears. I calmed her down by taking her outside and hosing her off while I watered the garden. Then I gave her some extra birdseed to munch on and locked her in the attic.
Meanwhile, somewhere out there in picking land, Mike Wolfe was busily trying to call me and email me and wondering why there were women's clothes left in his closet because he had INSTANTLY forgotten about Jodi's existence the minute she left. Because he was so focused on ME. Of course. I took her moving van/Antique Archeology van down to the river and dumped it in there next to the dead bodies of other people who have tried to mess with me over the years. Wait. Did I say that out loud?
That night, as I snuggled into bed with my cats and my book, I could hear Jodi whimpering from the attic. She tapped on the door that leads from my bedroom to the attic a few times, but it was all muffled from all of the things I had piled in front of the door. This was like a week ago. She's stopped making noises now, so I think she's settled in nicely. But she totally must need a shower because there is a funky odor in Farmhouse Villa now... Oh well. It will go away eventually. It always does.
NOTE: A big thank you to Jodi for being the amazing woman she is--and for having such a sense of humor about my fake relationship with her real-life boyfriend. In reality, she's been in on the gag since right AFTER the very first post, and I thank her for it. So now that we all know she's out there and Mike loves her: DREAM ON LADIES! Including me.