Moving Right Along

The other day, after I wrote the post about my friend's relationship, I sat and stared at my last line of that post:

You just have to have the courage to look at yourself--really look in there--and find out what you're made of.

So I looked.

I found a woman who has been compromising. Who has changed. Who is not happy. At the beginning of my relationship with Marshall, things were great. I would not have dated him for this long if things had not been great. But something is going on with him right now. And it clearly doesn't involve me. He has checked out. In quite disturbing ways.

So I looked deeper inside of myself.

I am an amazing woman. I've moved across the continent and back. I've braved Chicago ice storms. I lived through a house fire, numerous serious surgeries, a hardcore battle with depression, a debilitating back injury, enough work-related snafus to fill the Sears Tower, and heart-wrenching deaths. The list could go on and on. My father calls these the S.E.E. moments. Significant Emotional Events. You see someone's true colors when they go through these moments. Do they crash and burn? Or do they rise above it all and come out of it a better person? How do they treat others during their S.E.E. moments? That is the most telling. That is how you know whether or not your relationship can survive the storms of life. Sadly, mine cannot.

Why have I stayed with it when the return on my investment is... lacking? I like him. I really do. And he's a good person. I like to give it my all--really do everything I can so I can have no regrets. Last weekend, I made a giant pot of chili and brought some over for Marshall and The Boy. Even in these last moments, I tried to feed them. Make them happy. Brighten their days. And then the floor dropped out before the chili pot was finished soaking in the sink.

And I woke up and felt nothing. Nothing at all. I'd reached apathy. I felt like one of those ultimate fighters I've been watching at the watering hole that finally took the last punch. Boom. On the floor. Whatevs. It's done. I can't do it anymore.

And the most telling part? He totally didn't care. When I told him, he just said, "I understand," and then started talking to me about the weather. The WEATHER?! Yeah, OK. Super. Like we'd just gone on a few dates and had decided we didn't gel. Never mind that we've been dating for like 10 months.

But I don't regret the relationship. I enjoyed myself. I had fun. I learned how to fish. What I will miss most is the phone call in the middle of the day and the texts before going to bed--someone else out there that cared that I was alive and what I was doing. It's nice to share your days with someone else. Have a partner in crime. And since (in my experience) men tend to jump immediately into new relationships, I'm sure he'll find a girl right away. Me? I'm going to give dating a rest for the moment. I need to reconnect with myself. Build Blondie back up.

For now, the best way to do this is to listen to Ani DiFranco:



32 Flavors
by Ani DiFranco

Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might wanna turn your head
'Cuz some day you might find you are hungry
And eating most of the words you just said

Both my parents taught me about good will
And I have done well by their names
Just the kindness I've lavished on strangers
Is more than I can explain
Still there's many
Who've turned out their porch lights
Just so I would think they were not home
And hid in the dark of their windows
'Til I passed and left them alone

God help you if you are an ugly girl
Course too pretty is also your doom
'Cuz everyone harbors a secret hatred
For the prettiest girl in the room
And God help you if you are a phoenix
And you dare to rise up from the ash
A thousand eyes will smolder with jealousy
While you are just flying past

I never tried to give my life meaning
By demeaning you
And I would like to state for the record
I did everything that I could do
I'm not saying that I am a saint
I just don't wanna live that way
I will never be a saint
But I will always say

Squint your eyes and look closer
I'm not between you and your ambition
I am a poster girl with no poster
I am thirty-two flavors and then some
And I'm beyond your peripheral vision
So you might wanna turn your head
'Cuz some day you might find you are starving
And eating all of the words that you said