The Tale of the Vishnu Necklace

Last night I stopped at Lowe's to get some fungicide for my orchids. I thought maybe the little one had some bugs, but upon further inspection I realized I am wrong. Whew! While at Lowe's, I decided to wander around and look at the other plants.

So there I am, minding my own business, when this guy comes up to me and says, "Michelle?" I look at him with a blank stare. "Michelle?" "No," I say, "I'm not Michelle." He looks like he doesn't believe me. So while I walk with my cart down two other aisles, he follows me. Well, he walks right beside me. Like we are on a date. He's very close to me. I'm used to crazies. I attract them. So I ignore him and keep looking at plants. He tries again, "Are you from Norway?" I look right at him, "No." Finally, he moves on.

After heading through the entire store in search of those damn vanity light bulbs that burned out in my bathroom, I make my way to the line. I'm tired. I yawn. A big, ugly, mouth-cranked-open yawn that is sure to reveal two or three chins and the fact that I'm missing a back tooth, when suddenly I hear, "Jesus Christ is your Savior. Jesus Christ will save you." I stop mid-yawn and turn my eyes to the left to see out of the corner of my eyes the strange guy right next to me. I refuse to make eye contact. I've learned over the years that it is best to DISENGAGE from the crazies. Trust me, it's the best move. I can't tell you how many times I've ended up in a screaming match on the street with some crazy who is convinced I'm hiding a million dollars and the deed to a condo for him in my purse.

So anyway, I stand there, close my mouth, and turn the other direction to admire the impulse-purchase items at the checkout stand. I hear him muttering next to me, and then he leaves. Lowe's is a big f*cking store, so this guy must have been tailing me for quite a while. I finally check out, head to my car, and drive away.

And then when I got home, it hit me. It's that damn Vishnu necklace. It freaks EVERYONE out.

When I was in Omaha, Dorothy and I went to a store called Souq in the Old Market. I love this store. Dorothy and I have always bought bizarre little trinkets from Souq. They import all kinds of lovely things from all over the world. While we were there, I saw these beautiful necklaces of different Hindu deities. There were about 4 or 5 of them, and I didn't know which one to choose. I don't know much about Hinduism, but I'm trying to learn. So I grabbed a Nepali book that was sitting nearby that explained the different gods and goddesses and flipped through looking for the ones that were depicted in the necklaces. I chose Vishnu because I liked the fact that he held 4 items that each represented something different. There was another one I was in love with, but she represented wealth and I'm not really a wealth person. To read about the 4 items, click here.

I knew my new necklace would freak out Ma and Pa--that's a given. It's completely opposite of their Lutheran beliefs. So I didn't really care when they looked at me like I was a psycho for wanting to wear a little blue man with four arms around my neck. Dorothy did her best to admire the necklace, but did look at me like she wanted to pat my head like a puppy. I got on the Internet and read to them about Vishnu so we could all learn together. And my family, bless their hearts, accepted the necklace and let me go my way.

I wore the necklace when I went out with Potato and Birdie, and they both commented on it. I could tell it bothered them a little bit--they weren't sure how to react. At separate times, they both asked me if I was Hindu now. That's a no. Then I came back to Chicago and wore the necklace to work. Four of my coworkers knew exactly who Vishnu was before I even had to say it. They loved the necklace. But some others were totally thrown by it, raising their eyebrows and coming in for a closer look. And then on the way home that day, I stopped to get gas. I went in to buy a soda and the man behind the counter said, "That's from my country. Where did you get it?" So this necklace draws a huge response no matter where I am. I've never owned a piece of jewelry that gets so much freakin' attention.

So it dawned on me when I got home and put Vishnu back in his little box that the guy at Lowe's was preaching Jesus at me because of my necklace. Little did he know that I was raised with Jesus and probably know more about Christianity than he does. I worked at a church camp one summer and studied the Bible in college courses. I can debate verses with the best of them. The thing that really got me about Jesus Man was that he looked like he could have been Middle Eastern. So why was he so horrified by a representation of a non-Caucasian god?

I don't usually like to discuss religion anymore because it's such a hot topic that, you know, causes WAR. It can get ugly, and I don't like to go there. I believe that you can believe whatever you want--I don't care. Just don't push your beliefs on me and I won't push mine on you. If someone does start messing with me, I'll mess back. I've gotten into it with Ma from time to time. But now that I'm older, I don't want to debate religion just for the sake of argument. If someone wants to have a true, meaningful conversation, I'm all for it. But sitting around trying to change someone else's beliefs to match your own is pointless. I've lived in enough places and have seen enough religions that I'll just nod and ask questions if you decide to tell me about something new.

But since I've now written a whole post about Jesus and Vishnu, I'll out myself. I don't believe in religion. It's too political, designed and engineered by men ages and ages ago. I love spirituality and all that it can offer, but I don't like ceremony and ritual. I enjoy Christianity in its most basic form, but not the Church's version. I believe I was raised in the Lutheran church because I just happened to be born Caucasian in the middle of Iowa. Luck of the draw. But I could have been born anyone, anywhere, so I can't believe that my childhood way is the only way. I studied a lot of religions in college. Each one is beautiful and sacred. Each one has special things that make it unique along with a slew of things that make it most decidedly NOT unique--so many of the religions overlap. Same stories, different names. So at this point in my life, I find myself taking little pieces of different religions and admiring them, like Vishnu. I believe in energy, and I suppose you can call that God.

Perhaps I will burn in the fiery pits of hell for all eternity, which is what is supposed to happen according to my birth religion if I don't accept Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior. The guy at Lowe's was clearly concerned about this. I really wish the Queen would have been there because I know she would have come up with a really really really good comeback for the guy. But instead of snapping at him, I just turned away. Because even though he was stalking me like a crazy person, in his mind I know he was only trying to help. And if that makes him feel good about himself, fine. Go ahead. Do what you need to do. I'll respect your beliefs and let you have them.

But then leave me alone so I can go home and make bat stew and drink a virgin's blood with Vishnu.